The Giggle Factor

As a couples therapist, I’ve noticed something funny: even grown adults turn giggly when the word sex comes up. Suddenly, it’s like we’re back in middle school health class, whispering and blushing. Couples ask me questions like, “How many times a week is normal?” or “Why don’t I feel like it sometimes?” And yet, many of these same couples—married for years—have never had a real conversation about what they want, what feels good, or what intimacy means to them.

Couples are often surprised when I go there in therapy. But here’s the truth: intimacy isn’t a side dish in marriage—it’s part of the main course. Ignoring it doesn’t make the issue disappear; it just makes the silence louder. Talking about sex isn’t about embarrassment—it’s about health.

Why Sex Is So Hard to Talk About

So why is sex so difficult to discuss? For many, it starts with silence at home. If you grew up in a family where sex was never mentioned—or worse, treated as shameful—you may carry that discomfort into adulthood. Add in the fear of rejection, the fact that partners often have different pathways to intimacy, and the sheer awkwardness of discussing something so personal, and it’s no wonder couples avoid the topic.

But silence doesn’t mean satisfaction. It just means unspoken needs. And when those needs stay hidden, intimacy suffers.

The Emotional Side of Intimacy

Sex isn’t just physical—it’s emotional, relational, and deeply tied to how safe and connected we feel. For many women, emotional closeness creates the safety needed to open up sexually. For many men, feeling appreciated and respected helps them feel secure enough to connect. When couples acknowledge these needs and talk openly, intimacy shifts from a guessing game into a shared language of love.

Body Image and Intimacy

Of course, intimacy isn’t only shaped by communication—it’s also influenced by how we see ourselves. Body image plays a huge role in whether people feel comfortable being vulnerable. Here’s the surprising part: research shows partners are usually far more accepting of each other’s bodies than individuals are of themselves.

Negative body image can lead to avoidance of intimacy, while positive reinforcement—like compliments and playful appreciation—boosts both sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness. A simple, genuine “I love the way you look” often does more for intimacy than any diet plan.

When Trauma Shapes Intimacy

Body image isn’t the only hidden factor. For some couples, past experiences of sexual abuse or assault make intimacy especially complicated. Survivors may find that their body “remembers” sex as unsafe, even when their mind knows they are with a loving partner. This can lead to hyperarousal, shutdown, or avoidance during intimacy.

But here’s the hopeful part: intimacy after trauma is possible. Research shows healing often comes through nervous system regulation (calming the body’s survival responses), emotional intimacy (building trust through communication and non-sexual touch), and partner support (patience, respect, and reassurance).

When couples understand that trauma lives in the body, they stop blaming themselves or each other. Instead, they can work together to create safety, rebuild trust, and rediscover pleasure.

From Challenges to Sexless Marriages

Whether the barrier is trauma, body image, or simply the busyness of life, the risk is the same: intimacy can quietly fade. Left unspoken, these struggles often grow into what many couples fear most—a sexless marriage. And while sexless marriages are more common than people realize, they don’t have to be inevitable.

Why it happens:

• Stress and exhaustion

• Health issues

• Unresolved conflict

• Emotional disconnection

• Lack of communication

How to prevent it:

1. Talk Early, Talk Often: Normalize intimacy conversations before problems arise.

2. Redefine Intimacy: It’s not just about intercourse—cuddling, kissing, and playful touch matter.

3. Schedule Connection: Spontaneity is great, but busy couples often need intentional time.

4. Address Stress Together: Life drains energy; tackling it as a team protects your bond.

5. Seek Help Without Shame: Therapy isn’t a last resort—it’s a tune-up for your relationship.

A Word for Singles: Hookups and Sex Positivity

Not every reader is in a long-term relationship, and intimacy challenges don’t only apply to couples. For singles, the question often becomes: Is hookup culture right for me?

Sex positivity means approaching sexuality without shame, judgment, or rigid rules. It’s not about saying “yes” to everything—it’s about making choices that feel safe, respectful, and authentic. And importantly, sex positivity applies in all contexts:

• You can be sex-positive and enjoy hookups.

• You can be sex-positive and prefer committed relationships.

• You can even be sex-positive and choose not to have sex at all.

As a therapist, I’ll be honest: I’m not a huge fan of hookups. I’ve seen both men and women walk away from casual encounters feeling depleted, empty, or just sad. That doesn’t mean hookups are always harmful—but it does mean they require clarity and self-awareness. If you’re choosing them because they genuinely align with your needs, they can be empowering. If you’re choosing them out of loneliness, pressure, or avoidance, they often leave you feeling worse.

Hookups can be healthy if:

• You’re clear about what you want (fun, exploration, or connection).

• You feel safe and respected in the choice.

• You can communicate boundaries openly.

• You’re okay if it doesn’t lead to more.

Hookups may not be right if:

• You’re hoping for deeper connection but settling for less.

• You feel pressured or unsafe.

• You consistently feel drained or regretful afterward.

The principle is the same for singles and couples: intimacy thrives when choices are made with clarity, respect, and communication.

Questions Couples (and Singles) Can Ask

Here are some playful yet meaningful prompts to spark conversation or self-reflection:

• What makes you feel most connected to me outside the bedroom?

• What do you love most about my body?

• When do you feel most desired by me?

• If our intimacy had a theme song, what would it be?

• What’s one fun or silly thing we could try together to keep the spark alive?

• How do you know when you feel safe and appreciated in our relationship?

• For singles: What kind of intimacy feels most authentic to me right now?

Closing Thought

So yes, I go there. And I’ll keep going there—because intimacy isn’t just about sex, it’s about the health of your relationships. Couples who laugh, talk, and share openly about intimacy are the ones who keep the spark alive. Singles who approach intimacy with clarity and respect are the ones who feel empowered in their choices.

The spark isn’t about fireworks every night—it’s about keeping the pilot light burning, so warmth and closeness are always within reach.