“Some people don’t choose you for who you are — they choose you for what you can carry.” -Leslie Noble

People often come into therapy believing they “picked wrong,” or that they somehow “attracted” partners who drained them emotionally, financially, or psychologically. But the truth is far more nuanced.

Most clients weren’t chosen because they were weak. They were chosen because they were strong.

Strong in the ways that make relationships function. Strong in the ways that make other people feel safe. Strong in the ways that make it easy for someone else to lean — and keep leaning.

And over time, that strength becomes the very thing that gets exploited.

When Capability Becomes a Magnet

Clients who fall into this dynamic tend to share similar traits:

• steady

• reliable

• emotionally intelligent

• self-aware

• resilient

• capable under pressure

• able to regulate when others cannot

These qualities make them incredible partners, friends, and family members.

But they also make them vulnerable to a specific relational pattern:

They become the emotional, financial, or psychological infrastructure of the relationship.

Not because they want to. Not because they choose it. But because the other person unconsciously depends on their strength.

How Exploitation Shows Up Across Genders

The pattern is universal — but the form it takes often reflects social conditioning.

For many women, strength is exploited emotionally

Women are often socialized to:

• nurture

• soothe

• understand

• forgive

• absorb emotional instability

Their strength becomes the emotional backbone of the relationship.

For many men, strength is exploited financially

Men are often socialized to:

• provide

• fix

• stabilize

• carry the practical load

• be the “responsible one”

Their strength becomes the financial backbone of the relationship.

But the core issue is the same

People who are:

• grounded

• capable

• stable

• emotionally mature

…often end up paired with partners who unconsciously rely on that strength instead of developing their own.

This isn’t attraction. This is selection based on capacity.

The Slow Drift Into Exhaustion

Over time, the strong partner becomes:

• the planner

• the emotional regulator

• the crisis manager

• the one who apologizes first

• the one who keeps the peace

• the one who “holds it all together”

Meanwhile, the other partner becomes increasingly dependent, inconsistent, or avoidant.

The relationship becomes lopsided — not because the strong partner isn’t trying hard enough, but because they’re trying too hard.

Strength becomes a burden. Capability becomes a trap. Resilience becomes exhaustion.

The Moment of Realization

There is always a moment — sometimes quiet, sometimes shattering — when a client says something like:

• “I feel more like a parent than a partner.”

• “If I stopped holding everything together, the whole relationship would collapse.”

• “I wasn’t valued — I was used.”

It’s a painful truth. But it’s also the beginning of healing.

Because once someone sees the pattern, they can’t unsee it.

Breaking the Pattern

Healing begins when people learn to:

• set boundaries without guilt

• stop carrying what isn’t theirs

• choose reciprocity over intensity

• value steadiness over chaos

• stop rescuing partners who refuse to grow

• recognize the difference between being needed and being valued

Strength is still strength — but it’s no longer available for extraction.

How to Know If Someone Wants to Know You… or Use You

Here are the signs I teach clients to look for:

1. They’re drawn to your stability, not your humanity

They love your calm, your competence, your reliability — but they don’t ask about your needs or inner world.

2. They take more than they give

Not occasionally — consistently. You feel drained, not nourished.

3. They rely on you to regulate them

You become their emotional anchor, therapist, or crisis manager.

4. They praise your strength but never protect it

They love that you “can handle anything,” but they never ask if you should have to.

5. They only show up when they need something

Support is one-directional.

6. Your absence creates chaos — their absence creates peace

This is one of the clearest signs.

7. You feel responsible for their stability

If you stopped carrying the relationship, it would collapse.

8. You shrink your needs to keep the peace

You become the strong one because you have to be, not because you want to be.