I Train Because I Love It: A Martial Arts Story About Belonging on Your Own Terms

“Healing isn’t when the old pattern disappears. It’s when it shows up and you don’t abandon yourself.” -Leslie Noble

There are moments in life when someone’s behavior stirs something old in us — a familiar ache, a familiar confusion, a familiar pull to make ourselves responsible for someone else’s reactions. It doesn’t matter how much healing we’ve done. The body remembers.

And sometimes, the remembering happens in the most unexpected places.

For me, it happened on a mat.

The Hierarchy That Shapes the Room

Martial arts is built on hierarchy — belts, titles, lineage, seniority. It’s a structure I respect deeply because it teaches discipline, humility, and the importance of earning your place through practice, not ego.

But like any hierarchical system, especially one shaped by old‑school masculine culture, it can also create emotional blind spots. Many students were trained in environments where toughness was the primary language and emotional nuance wasn’t part of the curriculum. Some even tell stories of being “run off” or tested through harshness to prove they were serious.

That kind of conditioning shapes how people relate — not out of malice, but out of habit.

The Activation I Didn’t Expect

One day, an instructor — not the senior instructor, but someone still learning how to teach — called me “lazy.”

I’m not perfect by any stretch, but lazy isn’t a word that fits my life or my character. And even though I gave this person some grace, because teaching is a skill people grow into, the comment still stung.

My first thought was:

“Why didn’t you ask how you could help instead of labeling me?”

And that’s when I felt the old pattern flare — the one that learned to prove, explain, justify, and overperform just to be taken seriously.

Someone hearing that might wonder why I stayed.

The answer is simple:

I like it. I like the culture. I like the discipline. I like the challenge. I like who I’m becoming.

I didn’t leave because I don’t base my worth on someone else’s perception. I don’t allow anyone anymore to decide whether I deserve to be in a room. Ever.

I practice — sometimes with my headphones on blasting Guns N’ Roses — because I love it.

Part of my healing is knowing I don’t have to fix or manage how someone sees me. If someone isn’t asking me questions, why would I take on their assumptions?

The Old Reflex Still Knows My Name

For most of my life, I managed people.

I managed my parents’ emotions. I managed other people’s moods. I managed friends, workplaces, and relationships.

I learned early that safety came from anticipating, smoothing, and adjusting. So when someone went warm and then cold, or tossed out a careless label, my body reacted before my mind did.

But reacting isn’t the same as returning to the old role.

This time, I felt the sting — and didn’t move.

What I Did Differently

I didn’t over-explain. I didn’t try to earn warmth or decode distance.

I simply noticed the activation — and stayed in my body.

I kept training whether someone was present or not. I didn’t make another person’s behavior a verdict about my worth. I didn’t hand over my peace in exchange for clarity.

That’s what healing looks like. Not perfection. Presence.

The Deeper Lesson: Belonging Isn’t Something You Earn

This experience reminded me of something I wish someone had told me years ago:

Belonging isn’t a prize you win. It’s a truth you carry.

You don’t have to perform for it. You don’t have to audition for it. You don’t have to convince anyone of your sincerity, your motives, or your right to be in the room.

You belong because you’re there. You belong because you chose it. You belong because you said yes to yourself.

No hierarchy, no tradition, no unspoken test gets to decide that for you.

And Here’s the Part That Surprised Me

For the first time, I’m finally learning the art.

The last time I took Taekwondo, I was thrown straight into sparring and everyone beat the crap out of each other. There was no foundation, no technique, no sense of safety.

This time, I’m learning form. I’m learning structure. I’m learning how to protect myself. I’m carrying myself with a little more confidence every time I step onto the mat.

So can I blow off the occasional nonsense?

Yeah. Probably.

Because I’m finally learning the art — and more importantly, I know who I am.

Peace Isn’t Fragile Anymore

My peace isn’t something someone can disrupt unless I hand them the keys.

And I’m not handing those keys to anyone anymore — not an instructor, not a stranger, not an old pattern dressed in a new outfit.

I’m not the woman who manages anymore. I’m not the woman who bends herself to fit someone’s inconsistency. I’m not the woman who performs to be taken seriously.

I’m the woman who notices the pull — and stays anchored.

Reflection Questions

• Where do I still feel the pull to manage someone else’s emotions?

• What does my body feel like when an old pattern gets activated?

• How do I know when I’m staying grounded versus slipping into old roles?

• What does peace look like for the version of me I am now?

• Who am I when I don’t chase, fix, or explain?