Magical Thinking in Love — And How It Gets Us in Trouble

“Love becomes dangerous the moment we start relating to our fantasy instead of the person in front of us.” — Leslie Noble

Magical thinking doesn’t begin in adulthood. It’s planted early, long before we ever date anyone. Many of us grew up on stories where love was a rescue mission, a transformation, or a reward for being good. Cinderella, Snow White, the princess who is chosen, saved, awakened.

I had a Barbie mansion and thought I was really cool. I played out the same storylines: Barbie and Ken falling in love, living in the dream house, everything working out because it was supposed to. That’s the script we’re handed before we even understand what real intimacy requires.

As we grow up, we don’t always realize that we’re still carrying those childhood narratives. We continue the magical thinking: being rescued, being swept off our feet, having intense passion with someone. We assume that intensity equals compatibility, that chemistry equals commitment, that longing equals destiny.

But those things don’t always add up to healthy, stable, consistent love.

How Magical Thinking Shows Up in Adult Relationships

As adults, magical thinking becomes more subtle, but it’s just as powerful.

Believing potential is the same as pattern We fall for who someone could be, not who they consistently show us they are.

Interpreting concerning behavior as “complexity” or “depth” Instead of acknowledging that someone’s inconsistency is painful, we tell ourselves it’s part of a meaningful connection.

Thinking love will fix what someone refuses to address Love can support healing, but it cannot replace it.

Confusing longing with intuition Longing can feel like spiritual guidance when it’s really an old wound speaking.

Believing we will be the exception We imagine we’ll be the one who inspires change, commitment, or emotional availability.

These patterns create fertile ground for something most of us experience at some point: limerence.

The Spark We All Know: Understanding Limerence

Limerence is not a disorder. It’s not a flaw. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s simply what happens when we see something beautiful, compelling, or familiar in another person — and our imagination fills in the rest.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term to describe the very human experience of:

• Feeling a strong spark or pull toward someone

• Thinking about them often

• Feeling energized by possibility

• Idealizing their qualities

• Hoping the feeling is mutual

In other words, limerence is the moment when someone lights up a part of us we didn’t know was waiting to be seen.

It’s a natural response. It’s universal. It’s part of being human.

The challenge isn’t that limerence happens. The challenge is when we mistake the spark for a full relationship — or when we build a story around someone we barely know.

Limerence is the beginning of a story. Love is what happens when the story meets reality.

How Magical Thinking Gets Us In Trouble

Once we’re inside the fantasy, it becomes harder to see the relationship clearly.

We override our own needs. We stay longer than the relationship stays healthy. We interpret inconsistency as depth. We confuse emotional labor with love. We hold onto the fantasy instead of the truth.

Magical thinking doesn’t just distort the relationship — it distorts our relationship with ourselves.

How to Break the Limerence Cycle

Stepping out of limerence isn’t about shutting down the spark. It’s about grounding it in reality.

1. Name what’s happening Limerence softens when you acknowledge it. “This is the part of me that sees beauty and possibility. Let me stay curious, not carried away.”

2. Shift from imagination to observation Instead of asking, “How do they make me feel?” Ask, “Who are they really?”

Look at their actions, their values, their consistency, their capacity.

3. Create clarity by asking real questions Not to test them — but to see them. Ask questions that reveal character, not fantasy. “How do you handle conflict?” “What does commitment look like to you?” “What are you working on in yourself right now?”

Limerence fades when reality becomes visible.

4. Reconnect with your body Limerence lives in the mind. Your body tells the truth. Notice how you feel after interactions — settled or spun up, grounded or anxious.

5. Anchor into your values Ask yourself: “What kind of relationship do I want to build?” “What behaviors matter to me?” “What does safety feel like in my body?”

6. Let reality be the teacher When someone’s actions don’t match the story, believe the actions. Not the hope. Not the potential. Not the fantasy.

Limerence becomes less powerful when you let yourself see what’s actually there.

Love Is Not Always a Feeling — It’s a Choice

This is where the shift from magical thinking to mature love becomes clear.

One of the biggest myths we inherit is that love is supposed to feel a certain way all the time. Swept off our feet. Breathless. Consumed. Certain. Effortless.

But real love — the kind that lasts — is not sustained by feelings alone.

Feelings rise and fall with stress, hormones, conflict, and our own nervous systems. If we build a relationship on feelings alone, we end up chasing intensity instead of building intimacy.

Long-term love is a choice. A daily one.

It’s the choice to show up with honesty. The choice to repair after conflict. The choice to communicate instead of withdraw. The choice to practice respect even when you’re frustrated. The choice to stay curious instead of defensive. The choice to act in alignment with your values, not your impulses.

Love becomes real through behavior.

Not grand gestures. Not destiny. Not chemistry. Not the fantasy of being rescued or completed.

But through the small, consistent actions that build trust over time.

Healthy relationships are created by two people who choose each other in the ordinary moments — not just the magical ones.

Closing

You don’t have to stop being romantic or hopeful. You don’t have to stop believing in connection or timing.

You simply have to stop abandoning yourself in the name of a story.

Because the real magic isn’t in being swept away — it’s in being seen, chosen, and met in reality. And that kind of love doesn’t require fantasy. It requires you.