(Why “freedom” in a relationship isn’t what people think it is)

Before Liz Gilbert ever boarded a plane to Italy, she was on her bathroom floor — knees pulled to her chest, face wet with tears, whispering a prayer she didn’t yet know how to answer. That moment in Eat Pray Love wasn’t about leaving a marriage. It was about waking up to a truth many people never name:

She had built a life that looked right but didn’t feel like home.

She wasn’t running from love. She was running from the version of herself she had abandoned to maintain it.

And that’s where this conversation about freedom in relationships begins.

Because when I talk about freedom, people get defensive. They hear: “If you wanted freedom, why be in a relationship at all?”

But the freedom I’m talking about is not escape. It’s not avoidance. It’s not a loophole for selfishness.

It’s the freedom that keeps you from ending up on your own bathroom floor, whispering a prayer you’re afraid to say out loud.

Freedom Isn’t the Opposite of Commitment — It’s the Opposite of Self‑Abandonment

Somewhere along the way, we inherited a cultural script that says love requires:

• merging identities

• sacrificing personal goals

• prioritizing the relationship above all else

• shrinking so the relationship can expand

So when someone says “freedom,” it sounds like a threat.

But healthy freedom is not about distance. It’s about integrity — staying connected to your own life force while loving someone deeply.

Freedom is the ability to:

• maintain your purpose

• pursue your goals

• nurture friendships

• keep your hobbies alive

• honor your work and calling

• stay connected to your own inner world

This is not selfish. This is what keeps you human.

A relationship where both partners remain whole is more resilient, more passionate, and more sustainable than one where someone disappears.

The Gendered Story: What Men Fear Losing, What Women Are Taught to Give Up

This is where the conversation gets uncomfortable — and honest.

Men and the Fear of Losing Freedom

Many men are socialized to believe that commitment means:

• losing autonomy

• losing spontaneity

• losing personal identity

• losing sexual or emotional freedom

It’s not immaturity — it’s conditioning.

Men are taught to protect their independence at all costs. So commitment can feel like a threat to the self, not because they don’t want love, but because they fear disappearing inside it.

Women and the Pressure to Fold Into the Relationship

Women, on the other hand, are often taught to:

• prioritize connection

• maintain harmony

• be accommodating

• sacrifice personal goals for the relationship or family

Women are praised for being flexible, selfless, and emotionally available — even when it costs them their identity.

This is why women are more likely to lose:

• friendships

• hobbies

• career momentum

• personal dreams

• their sense of self

Men fear losing freedom. Women fear losing themselves.

Both fears are real. Both are rooted in socialization. And both point to the same truth:

Healthy relationships require space for individuality.

The Research: Individuality Strengthens Relationships

Across decades of social‑psychological research, one theme is consistent:

Autonomy supports connection.

Studies show that:

• people who maintain a strong sense of self report higher relationship satisfaction

• supporting each other’s personal goals increases long‑term stability

• self‑expansion (growing as an individual) strengthens romantic bonds

• couples who encourage individuality experience less resentment and more desire

In other words:

You don’t lose the relationship by staying yourself. You lose the relationship when you disappear inside it.

Freedom Is Not Avoidance — It’s Breathability

Let’s be clear about what freedom is not.

Freedom is not:

• living parallel lives

• avoiding intimacy

• refusing to commit

• prioritizing independence over connection

• never spending time together

Healthy freedom is balanced with:

• shared rituals

• quality time

• emotional attunement

• mutual support

• co‑created meaning

A relationship can’t thrive if you never see each other. But it also can’t thrive if you never see yourself.

**The Real Question Isn’t “Why Do You Want Freedom?”

It’s “Why Are We So Afraid of It?”**

We fear freedom because we confuse it with abandonment. We fear individuality because we confuse it with disconnection. We fear autonomy because we confuse it with rejection.

But the truth is simple:

Two whole people create a healthier relationship than two half‑selves trying to merge.

Freedom is not the enemy of commitment. Freedom is what allows commitment to breathe.

If You’re Reading This and Feeling Something Stir…

 Maybe you’ve been the one who folded. Maybe you’ve been the one who feared losing yourself. Maybe you’ve been the one who feared losing freedom. Maybe you’ve been the one who asked your partner to shrink so you could feel secure.

Wherever you land, here’s the invitation:

Let your relationship be a place where both people can breathe. Where both people can grow. Where both people can stay connected to their purpose, their friendships, their creativity, their calling.

Love is not meant to be a cage. It’s meant to be a home — with windows open, light pouring in, and enough space for two full lives to unfold.