When Couples Say “My Spouse Has Let Themselves Go”: What’s Really Going On Beneath the Complaint

Every so often, a couple sits down in my office and one partner says, “They’ve just… let themselves go.” Sometimes they mean weight. Sometimes it’s energy, motivation, or the spark they used to see in each other. On the surface, it sounds like a complaint about appearance. But after years of clinical work, I can tell you: it’s almost never about the body.

It’s about the bond. It’s about the self. It’s about the places where life has become too heavy for one person to carry alone.

1. When Self‑Care Slips, It’s Usually a Signal — Not a Character Flaw

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that major shifts in self‑care often reflect deeper emotional realities:

• Depression and burnout drain energy for grooming or exercise

• Chronic stress disrupts sleep, appetite, and weight regulation

• Caregiving overload (especially for women) predicts declines in personal health behaviors

• Unspoken resentment leads to emotional withdrawal — including from self‑care

When someone stops tending to themselves, it’s not laziness. It’s a message. Something in their world has become overwhelming, lonely, or unspoken.

And that’s where couples often misunderstand each other — because what looks like “letting go” is usually a sign of deeper disconnection.

2. Attraction Is Relational, Not Just Visual

Gottman’s research shows that emotional connection shapes how attractive we perceive our partner to be. When couples feel disconnected, even small changes in appearance feel amplified. When they feel close and emotionally safe, those same changes barely register.

Sometimes the issue isn’t the body — it’s the distance.

But distance doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s shaped by culture, gender roles, and the invisible labor many partners carry.

3. The Gender Story: When Women Are Taught to Disappear

Many women grow up with an unspoken curriculum:

• Put others first

• Be the glue

• Carry the emotional load

• Keep the family running

• Don’t need too much

When a woman spends years tending to everyone else’s needs, her own goals, vitality, and identity often fade. Not because she doesn’t care — but because she’s been conditioned to believe that caring for herself is selfish.

One of the most powerful things a male partner can do is encourage her to put her own needs back on the list. To support her in finding:

• friendships

• hobbies

• interests

• creative outlets

• movement

• rest

• anything that gives her a spark

A woman who feels supported in her aliveness shows up differently — in her body, her energy, her confidence, and her connection.

And that leads to one of the most overlooked truths in relationships: self‑care isn’t just about bodies. It’s about identity.

4. Self‑Care Also Means Not Losing Yourself in the Relationship

One of the most important questions I ask couples is, “What brings you alive?” Not: What does your partner want from you? Not: What do you think you should be doing? But: What makes you feel like yourself again?

People don’t just “let themselves go” physically. They often let go of their identity.

Research on long‑term relationships shows that when partners over‑merge — when they stop tending to their own friendships, hobbies, health, career goals, or inner spark — their vitality drops. And when vitality drops, self‑care drops with it.

A healthy relationship doesn’t ask you to disappear. It asks you to stay you.

And here’s the beautiful thing: when people tend to their own aliveness — when they reconnect with what lights them up, what grounds them, what makes them feel like themselves — the other areas often begin to shift on their own. Vitality has a way of taking care of itself when a person is no longer living from depletion or self‑abandonment.

To get there, couples need a way to understand each other’s inner worlds again — and that’s where Love Mapping comes in.

5. What Love Mapping Really Is — And Why It Matters

Love Mapping is a core Gottman tool designed to help partners understand each other’s inner world. It’s the practice of staying curious about:

• what stresses your partner

• what excites them

• what they’re worried about

• what they’re dreaming about

• what’s weighing on them

• what they’re hoping for

• what brings them alive

It’s essentially the emotional GPS of the relationship.

When couples build strong Love Maps, they reduce negative assumptions, increase empathy, and rebuild emotional intimacy. And when emotional intimacy returns, self‑care often follows — not because someone demanded it, but because emotional safety makes room for it.

And that emotional safety is the key to breaking one of the most common cycles couples fall into.

6. The Resentment Loop: The Real Culprit Behind “Letting Go”

When one partner feels ignored or unappreciated, resentment builds. When the other partner feels criticized or judged, they withdraw — including from self‑care.

It becomes a loop:

1. Partner A feels neglected → complains about appearance

2. Partner B feels criticized → shuts down → invests less in themselves

3. Partner A feels even more neglected

The cycle isn’t broken by policing bodies. It’s broken by tending to the emotional wound underneath.

7. The Heart of It All

Bodies change. Seasons change. Energy changes. But the real work of a relationship is how we show up for each other through those changes.

When a partner stops caring for themselves, it’s not a sign of failure — it’s a sign of overwhelm, disconnection, or unmet needs. And when couples learn to approach that moment with compassion instead of criticism, something beautiful happens:

They stop fighting the symptom and start healing the root. They stop blaming the body and start tending to the heart. They find each other again.