We talk a lot about love—how to find it, how to keep it, how to know if it’s real. But we rarely talk about the foundation beneath all of it: the relationship you have with yourself. Not the surface-level self-care or the “treat yourself” culture, but the deeper work of knowing who you are, honoring your needs, and refusing to abandon yourself for connection.

Because here’s the truth most of us learn the hard way: You can’t love someone well if you’re starving for your own love.

A Moment That Took Me Back to My Younger Self

Last night, I was at my sister’s house for a Super Bowl party that doubled as a celebration for my niece’s 21st birthday. She’s beautiful, kind, thoughtful—and worried she hasn’t “found anyone” yet. At twenty-one.

I looked at her and thought, You’re just a baby. You have so much time. But I also remembered what it felt like to be that age—how loud the world can be, how much pressure you feel to have your life figured out, how easy it is to believe you’re behind.

Watching her made me think about the advice I wish someone had given me at that age. Not the cliché “don’t worry, it’ll happen,” but the deeper truth I had to learn later in life:

The love you have for yourself sets the stage for every relationship you will ever have.

Growing up in a house filled with chaos delays your sense of self. You learn to read the room instead of reading your own needs. You learn to keep the peace instead of keeping your identity. You learn to survive instead of learning who you are.

It took me years to understand that loving myself isn’t a feeling. It’s a practice. A discipline. A daily choice. And today, I’m grateful to know myself clearly—what I value, what matters to me—and to truly love the version of me that’s standing here now.

But that didn’t happen overnight. It happened through small, consistent choices—tiny acts of loyalty to myself that helped me reconnect with the parts of me I had ignored or minimized. Over time, I learned what it actually looks like to love myself in real, practical ways.

For me, self-love looks like:

• Having respect for myself, even when it’s inconvenient

• Being honest, especially when it’s uncomfortable

• Talking to myself with kindness instead of criticism

• Following my dreams and the quiet pull of my heart

• Being open-hearted, even when I feel nervous or unsure

• Being soft and gentle with others in a world that often feels cold

• Being mentally strong and emotionally steady

• Setting goals and actually following through

• Walking and reconnecting with nature

• Meditating and creating quiet space inside my own mind

• Learning new things and challenging myself

• Enjoying peace and simple joys without guilt

These aren’t luxuries. They’re the foundation. They’re what allow me to show up in relationships with clarity, steadiness, and a sense of inner rootedness.

The Love You Give Yourself Sets the Tone for Every Relationship

When you love yourself, you stop approaching relationships like a rescue mission. You’re not looking for someone to fill the empty spaces or validate your worth. You’re not auditioning for affection or bending yourself into shapes that don’t fit.

Instead, you show up whole.

And whole people love differently. They love honestly. They love without losing themselves. They love without needing the other person to be their oxygen.

Self-love doesn’t make you self-centered—it makes you self-aware. It teaches you to recognize what feels nourishing and what feels depleting. It gives you the courage to walk away from what hurts and the capacity to stay present with what’s healthy.

When You Love Yourself, You Stop Loving From Scarcity

Scarcity-love is frantic. It’s clingy. It’s “please choose me” disguised as devotion.

But when you love yourself, you don’t fear loss the same way. You know you won’t collapse without someone else’s approval. You know you can survive disappointment. You know your worth isn’t up for negotiation.

And that changes everything.

You stop chasing people who don’t choose you. You start choosing relationships that are grounded. 

Self-Love Makes You a Better Partner, Friend, and Human

People who love themselves:

• Communicate clearly instead of expecting others to read their mind.

• Treat people in their lives with respect, appreciation, and honesty. 

• Apologize when they are wrong. 

• Offer empathy.

• Give love freely because it’s an overflow, not a sacrifice.

• Are consistent, grounded, and authentic.

Don't be overwhelmed by the above list, remember that self-love is a practice that does not require perfection. Loving yourself doesn’t make you perfect—it makes you grounded. And grounded people create safer, healthier, more stable relationships. 

You Become a Mirror of What Healthy Love Looks Like

When you treat yourself with respect, others learn how to treat you. When you speak to yourself with kindness, you speak to others with more compassion. When you honor your needs, you naturally honor theirs.

Self-love isn’t selfish. It’s leadership.

It’s modeling what love looks like when it’s not fueled by fear or insecurity.

Loving Yourself Isn’t a Destination. It’s a Daily Practice.

Some days you’ll get it right. Some days you’ll slip back into old patterns. Some days you’ll forget your worth and remember it again at 2 a.m.

That’s okay.

Self-love isn’t perfection—it’s presence. It’s choosing yourself again and again, even when it’s hard. It’s honoring your becoming. 

And the more you practice it, the more your relationships transform—not because other people change, but because you do.