Do Marriages Still Work?

Why Divorce Is So Common—and Why I Still Believe in Love That Lasts

I was having coffee with a friend recently—one of those slow, soul-rich conversations that starts with caffeine and ends with a question that lingers long after the mug is empty.

She’d met someone new. They were getting married soon. Both had been married before. Both had closed off their hearts for a while. And both were quietly wondering: Can this really work?

She leaned in and asked, “Do you think marriage still works?”

I didn’t flinch. I said yes. But not because I believe in fairy tales. I believe in repair. In growth. In choosing each other again and again, even when it’s messy.

I told her, “Read anything by Dr. John Gottman—he’s my guru.” His research is the gold standard for understanding what makes relationships thrive. But I also shared what I’ve learned as a therapist: most couples don’t fall apart because they’re incompatible. They fall apart because they never learned how to stay connected when it gets hard.

And before we even got into the how, I said this:

Our culture treats divorce like a scarlet letter—proof you couldn’t make it work. But what if it’s proof you were brave enough to grow? What if the lessons you learned in that heartbreak were exactly what you needed to thrive in your next relationship?

I’ve sat with countless clients who carry shame about their divorce. And I always tell them: 

You didn’t fail. You learned. You evolved.

You deserve to be loved.

So yes, I still believe in marriage. Not because it’s easy. But because when it’s done well, it’s one of the most powerful containers for healing, transformation, and joy.

1. They never talk about values or vision. You can love someone deeply and still be building two entirely different lives. If you haven’t asked each other what marriage means to you—how you define it, what it’s supposed to feel like, and what you’re actually building together—you’re flying blind. And it’s not just about romance. It’s about how you want to show up in the world as a team. Example: One partner thinks “honesty” means full transparency. The other thinks it means protecting the other from pain. That gap matters.

2. They’re not growth-oriented. Healthy relationships make space for evolution. If one person is growing and the other is fighting it, resentment brews.

Love isn’t static—it’s a living system. You either grow together or grow apart.

3. They mishandle conflict. Some avoid it entirely. Others weaponize it. Either way, unresolved tension builds emotional scar tissue.

Conflict isn’t the enemy—disconnection is.

4. They self-abandon to keep the peace. Dim your light long enough, and you forget how to shine. Many people sacrifice their needs, identity, or boundaries to make their partner happy. Over time, that turns into bitterness.

Resentment is often just self-abandonment with a time delay.

5. They don’t respect freedom. Not the kind where someone walks away—but the kind where each partner is free to be themselves. Free to choose. Free to change. That includes the freedom to have their own identity—hobbies they enjoy, friendships that nourish them, career goals that matter. Healthy love honors interdependence, not enmeshment.

Love without freedom is control. And control kills connection.

6. They confuse feelings with commitment. Attraction fades. Chemistry shifts. Someone else may look shinier. But love is a choice. You don’t stay because it feels good all the time, every day—you stay because you’ve chosen to grow with this person.

Commitment isn’t a mood. It’s a muscle.

7. They don’t protect the relationship. This one’s big. In the age of social media, it’s easy to scroll through curated lives and wonder, “Maybe someone better is out there.” But relationships don’t thrive on comparison—they thrive on protection. Protecting your relationship means practicing self-control. It means respecting your partner’s dignity even when no one’s watching. It means not entertaining flirtations, not venting to outsiders who don’t honor your bond, and not letting the algorithm convince you that love should be effortless.

Your relationship isn’t a secret—but it is sacred. Guard it accordingly.

And above all, it requires maturity—the kind that chooses depth over distraction, and commitment over curiosity.

8. They get lazy. Love requires intention. Ritual. Repair. Play.

You don’t coast through connection—you cultivate it.

9. They neglect intimacy. Emotional, financial, physical, spiritual, logistical—intimacy has many layers. When it’s not nurtured, the relationship becomes transactional.

Shared goals, shared vulnerability, shared joy—that’s the glue.

10. No one teaches us how to love well. Most people are grasping in the dark, trying to build something they’ve never seen modeled. If you didn’t grow up with parents who showed what healthy love looks like—respectful, secure, emotionally attuned—you’re not broken. You’re just untrained.

Love isn’t instinct—it’s learned. And it’s never too late to learn.

.......So, is Marriage Still a Good Choice?

 Yes. But only if you understand what you’re choosing.

Marriage isn’t a guarantee of happiness. It’s a commitment to growth. To repair. To showing up even when it’s inconvenient. It’s not about finding the perfect person—it’s about becoming the kind of partner who can love imperfectly, consistently, and with intention.

And if you’ve been divorced? You’re not disqualified. You’re seasoned. You’ve seen what doesn’t work. Now you get to build something wiser.

Start with the hard questions.

• What does commitment mean to you?

• What do you need to feel safe, seen, and respected?

• How do you want to grow—and how can I support that?

Because love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a practice. And marriage, when chosen wisely, can be the most beautiful practice of all.